Printer Perfect
a short spec-fic flash by Maggie Slater
Thank you for calling Printer Perfect, the Perfect Partner Printers! Your call is important to us. How may I help you today? Please state the reason for your call in a brief sentence.
Return policy.
I see. You would like to know about our return policy. Do you currently have an account with us?
Yes.
Great! Please enter the account number.
04453-3321
Great! Our records indicate that you ordered NATHAN on June 15th of this year. Please state in a brief sentence the cause of your return query.
He’s not the One.
I’m sorry to hear that. Adjusting to a new life partner can be challenging, even with a Perfect Partner! If you’d be interested in addressing adjustment issues with our certified marriage counselor, please say, “Counselor.” If this is not what you’d like, please say, “No thanks.”
No thanks…
I see. You do not want to pursue marriage counseling for adjustment issues. Is your return query due to erratic or dangerous behavior displayed by your Partner? If this is an emergency, please hang up and dial 911. If this is not an emergency, but you have behavioral concerns, please say, “Behavioral Concerns.” If this is not the reason for your return query, please say, “Not the issue.”
Not the issue.
Okay. Behavioral problems are not the reason for your return query. Is your interest in a return query-
Speak to a representative.
You said, “Speak to a representative.” Is this correct?
Yes!
Okay. Please hold. The next available representative will be happy to help you resolve your issue.
[Pleasant Muzak]
Hello, this is Irene with Printer Perfect. How may assist you today?
I’d like to make a return.
Of a partner?
Yes.
Can I have your partner’s name and order date?
Nathan, on June 15th of this year.
Okay… All right, I see it. Can you briefly describe the problem you’re having with him?
He’s…he’s just not what I was hoping he’d be.
Did Printer Perfect fail to incorporate all of your specifications correctly?
Well…no.
So, Nathan satisfies the profile checklist you completed for the order?
Yes, he does. I mean, he fits the order, but he’s not what I want.
Are you dissatisfied with his appearance?
N-no. No, it’s not that.
Are you dissatisfied with his behavior?
No… Look, he’s exactly what I ordered, but I realize now, living with him, that I got it wrong. I made a mistake.
I see.
You don’t sound like you do.
Ma’am, I’m sorry. But I take a lot of these kinds of calls. It’s not uncommon for people to order up what they think they want, only to find it isn’t all they thought it’d be. It’s the number one complaint we get here at Printer Perfect. Unfortunately, not knowing what you really want isn’t the return policy terms and agreements.
You… you mean I can’t return him?
We can take him back, if that’s what you’re looking for. But we can’t give you a refund.
Um… Wow, okay. Um, I may have to, to think about it… I spent almost all my savings on him, maxed out my last card… How can you get away with not taking returns?
Printed Partners are very specific, Ma’am. They’re designed and printed to love you and only you. When you return them, they inevitably fall apart. They blame themselves. Some commit suicide. A lot just grow despondent and bitter. Some actually get violent, depending on the personality profile you created, and have to be put down. We don’t have unlimited resources to store unwanted partners, and we can’t resell them. We did a mock fostering program a few years ago, but it was a total disaster. It’s more effective to just melt them back down and send their salvageable pieces to be repurposed in other industries.
You… you mean you kill them? Just like that?
Ma’am, we don’t kill anything. Perfect Partners aren’t alive. They’re 3D printed puzzle pieces made to fit into your life. They’re not human. They have no backstories. No histories. They’re just synthetic skin and bone and whatever personality and interests you requested in your order… Ma’am? Are you still there?
Sorry, yes, it’s just… I wish I’d know that. Before ordering, I mean.
It’s there in the terms and conditions, Ma’am. Didn’t you read them?
(scoff) Who ever reads those things? They’re thirty pages of tiny legalize!
I’m sorry, Ma’am, but there’s not much else I can do. Would you like to schedule a return pickup? I think our delivery team will be in your area…Thursday, July 9th.
Oh. So soon?
Would that date work for you? Ma’am?
I- I need to think.
I can issue you a support ticket number for future reference, if you would prefer to think on it and call back later. Any service representative would be able to schedule a pick up for Nathan.
Ma’am?
Ma’am, are you still on the line?
Thank you for calling Printer Perfect, the Perfect Partner Printers! Our service representatives are standing by to help you. Please call anytime Monday through Friday, between the hours of 3pm and 11:47pm, and we will be glad to assist you. Goodbye!
Hi there! If you don’t know me, I’m Maggie Slater. I write speculative fiction of a variety of stripes ranging from outright horror, sci-fi, and fantasy to strange, humorous literary stuff. My work has appeared in genre mags like Apex Magazine, Metaphorosis, and even got translated into Mandarin for Science Fiction World, as well as in literary magazines like Redivider and The Core Review.
If you enjoyed this story, please consider donating a buck to my Ko-Fi or following me on Instagram (if you enjoy notebooks, books, movies, and occasional art journaling). I’m also loosely on Bluesky and Substack. Or subscribe to this blog for any and all updates of flash fiction, general writerly nonsense, and periodic interviews with fantastic authors!